posted 11-25-2001 14:47            

As a high school health instructor I have a number of stories that I could share with you so I will give you one from my first year. During my first classroom observation with the principal I asked my seventh grade class, "What is the purpose of reproduction?" The answer previously discussed in class was "to produce a new organism." Unfortunately the answer I received was "to produce an orgasm!" Needless to say I had quite a bit of explaining to do.

I am sure there are many from TUG who are teachers and could probably tell a story or two. I would love to hear from others.

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Mt Amanzi,SA 1Br.Floating Red

posted 11-26-2001 06:10            

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1.....2.....3.....4.....5....."

... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia and West Virginia.

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Bob G

posted 11-26-2001 20:24            

Here's my contribution - albeit borrowed:

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

If this is too risqué please delete it:

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion. She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a well known sex therapist, named Dr. ChingChang.

She asked Dr. ChingChang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"

So Dr. ChingChang said, "Take off all yur cwothes."

So she did.

Then he said, "Now, get on yur hands and knees and crawl wrealy, wrealy fas away from me, ten craw wrealy, wrealy fas back to me."

So the young lady did.

Dr. ChingChang looked at her, shook his head from side to side and said, "You got wrealy bad case of Zachary disease, wurse case I ever see"

The lady asked, "What's that?"

One night we were eating spaghetti. Mariah looks at our friend getting ready to put a spoon full of pasta in her mouth and says, "I'm glad that's not MY hair!" We laughed hysterically out this out-of-the-blue statement. We found out days later that it was because she heard us calling it Angel Hair Pasta.

It's kinda one of those "gotta be there" things...like when we were watching a movie and the camera was showing close-ups of several people's faces one at a time. On the last close-up, Mariah says, "Finally! Someone with good teeth!" Where in the world did that one come from!?

posted 11-28-2001 18:28            

Thank you for the invite to enter and the emails you sent me about time sharing and Fairfield resorts. I appreciate the information and am learning a lot.

In 2002 we will become time share owners

posted 11-28-2001 18:29            

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".

The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.

posted 11-28-2001 21:23            

Your post was TOO good! It reminded me of...uh...I forget.

posted 11-29-2001 05:56            

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
"I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was
red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost
sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might
be seeing things. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us."
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sh*t! Am I driving?"

posted 11-29-2001 13:29         

Amazed, the hiker found a railroad tie lying in the bushes near the trail. Huffing and puffing, he struggled to drag it out to the hole. With a big heave-ho, he shoved it in and listened.

Suddenly a noisy goat came charging out of the woods and leapt into the hole! As its "BAHAHAHHH-eheheheheh-ehhhh...!" disappeared down into the blackness, the startled hiker shook his head and backed away from the hole.

Stunned, he finally continued his hike and a short way down the trail, he met up with a mountain man. The hiker asked him, "Do you know anything about a strange, deep hole back there?"

posted 11-30-2001 10:07            

I am glad that you are enjoying TUG so much. I was addicted to it for a long time. Up and reading every morning at 5 A.M. while checking RCI. We ended up with 5 weeks in Hawaii this summer, but I had to cancel three. We still had two 1/2 weeks there. When I met people there who complained about not being able to get Hawaii reservations, I told them about TUG and learning how to work the system. I have not been on TUG much this year as my business (short staffed) has been keeping me busy, but we still find time to travel. We looked at several time shares in Hawaii and the sales people were amazed when I told them I had 5 weeks booked back to back. It kind of threw off their sales pitch of Hawaii being hard to trade into.

Sorry to hear that you cannot travel around these days. Maybe we will meet again in Florida one of these days. It is awfully nice of you to donate your week.

Your friends from the Santa Barbara.

posted 11-30-2001 11:38            

Denver Broncos 34
St. Louis Rams 31

(Okay, maybe it's a bit of wishful thinking as I am a big Denver Broncos fan...but I'll predict it nonetheless.)

posted 11-30-2001 12:21            

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

posted 11-30-2001 17:56            

So, am I entered??or censored?

posted 11-30-2001 20:42            

quote:

---

Originally posted by JANELL:
I just saw this thread,, do not know how I could have missed it all this time....

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posted 11-30-2001 21:06            

Beebe - Thanks again so much for hosting this! It's been such fun to read all the humor and Super Bowl predictions (some of those were pretty humorous as well).

I'm looking forward to tommorrow when I can finally un-cross my toes!

posted 12-01-2001 11:33            

We wound up with 80 different individuals, 79 are members. The strips were folded up and all have been tossed and mixed together.

Excuse me, I know I'm biding for time.

Everyone know where you want to try for? I’m anxious to see what and where I get to trade for.

posted 12-01-2001 12:10            

RCI is our exchange group
We joined to travel and trade
We banked a week as required
But an exchange we have not made

I play on line with our choices
Always checking with TUG's reviews
Searching different locations
Always looking for good news

I daily read the Bulletin Board
New things I learn each day
My TUG friends are so helpful
I'm interested in what they say

I think I am a junkie
Can't seem to stay away
I must get my timeshare fix
And read TUG every single day

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Kay H

THIS IS THE WINNER.

Kay H, let me know your choices for where you'ld like to go and some time frames. I'll start the match-up. The timeshare is on me, no strings attached.

"I think I am a junkie
Can't seem to stay away
I must get my timeshare fix
And read TUG every single day"

Reading TUG every day has paid off for you.

posted 12-01-2001 13:54            

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Esther
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